Dumb Phrases

Here are some really dumb phrases that people are constantly using with my take in tow.

"Stand by your friend, right or wrong." So let me get this straight - if a buddy of mine decides to shoot an old lady or molest a child, I am supposed to be there for him? Fuck that! I am telling that murdering pederast to enjoy his time in the big house and don't ever call me again.

"Like a bat out of hell." A) It has never been proven that there is such a place as hell and; B) why in the hell would there be bats there? Also, what is the significance of a bat escaping from hell versus everything else burning in eternity. Why not say, "Like an F-14 out of hell." After all, they are much faster than bats.

"Winner, winner, chicken dinner." I can't stand this phrase for the simple fact that anyone who wins any sort of significant bet is not going to then take their recently won money and spend it on a lavish dinner consisting of KFC or Church's or go to some fancy steak house and order the chicken.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." I do it all the time at the grocery store and each time when I get home they are perfectly fine. Eggs come in a dozen anyway so if you break one, you still have 11 left. No biggie.

"There's no such thing as a sure thing." Umm, there are lots of them. For example, I knew that I was going to have soup today for lunch and that I would be driving to work in a truck. There are, in fact, many such things as sure things.

"To the moon." My mom always used to say this to me when I was annoying her and I know that it comes from the Honeymooners, but what does it mean? Personally, I think it would be pretty damn cool to go to the moon. "To the moon Matthew!" "Awesome!"

"That's just your opinion." Unless I am directly quoting someone or stating factual matter, then every damn word that comes out of my mouth is my opinion and there is no need to constantly remind me of that with moronic phrases such as this.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I am by no means a dumb person, but I am willing to admit that it is quite possible to be fooled more than once and it not being my fault. If I get a letter in the mail that says free money and I open only to find out that there is no free money should I stop opening those letters? NO!

The G.S.O.A.T!

Man, it has been forever since I have been on here. Work has been very, very busy and I have been gone a lot due to Governor's Executive Order S-UC-KMY-A-SS (a.k.a Furlough Friday). The Legislature, after doing such a magnificent job with the State Budget, felt that they deserved a "summer break" so I have had a little free time on my hands lately and I could think of no better way to spend it than to update my blog.

"What's on your mind, Matt?" you ask. Well, it isn't the war in the middle east, it isn't the economy, and it sure as shit isn't what Kate Gosselin is up to. As I spread my mayonnaise on my wrap at lunch today I thought to myself, "Mayonnaise is hands down the greatest condiment of all-time." But as I reached back in the fridge to put the mayo back, I noticed a bottle of ranch sitting next to it and suddenly, I wasn't so sure. Like Reginald Oliver Denny, I was lost and unsure of which one to like more. It got me to thinking about a way to figure out the greatest condiment out there, so I broke it down into it a few categories. They are: taste, usefulness, appeal, and availability. Each condiment will be scored on a scale of 1-10 in each category with a total of 40 points.

Taste - this is pretty self-explanatory. Does it taste good? Is it super spicy or does it have a very mild flavor?

Usefulness - Can you put the condiment on anything or does it really only go with one or two things?

Appeal - Does it look good or is it like that purple ketchup crap that came out several years ago?

Availability - Can I get it at the store or at most restaurants or do I need to have it shipped in from Tavarua?

1. Mayonnaise.

Taste - Mayo is a creamy treat that can sometimes take the place of cheese on certain foods. (Score: 9)

Usefulness - Many can be put on any sandwich, hot dogs, french fries and it is often the main ingredient in a lot of dressings. I believe it also acts as a shaving cream and hair conditioner and may even cure Parkinson's disease. (Score: 7)

Appeal - It's white and creamy, giggity. (Score: 8)

Availability - If you cannot find mayonnaise in one form or another at every restaurant and store in this great country then you are an Eskimo. (Score: 10)

Total - 34

2. Hot Sauce (Tapatio, Frank's, Chalula, etc.)

Taste - It depends, but it tastes better on some things than it does others. For the most part its hot and has a strong vinegar flavor. (Score: 6)

Usefulness - I think you can put hot sauce on anything really. Pizza, Mexican food, sandwiches, veggies, eggs, BBQ, chips, etc. (Score: 9)

Appeal - It's a toss up because when it's red I want it, but the green variety reminds me of a wall after Slimer goes through it. (Score: 6)

Availability - In California, it is easier to get hot sauce than it is to get gas. (Score: 10)

Total: 31

3. Mustard.

Taste - Very sour and spicy and is never really missed. You never here anyone say, "Man, this sandwich just isn't the same without mustard. I don't want to eat it anymore" (Score: 5)

Usefulness - Sandwiches and hot dogs are about all that comes to mind when I think of mustard. It is also used in dressings and marinades too I guess. (Score: 6)

Appeal - It's bright yellow and they say the color yellow gives off a sense of comfort (I just made that up). (Score: 8)

Availability - In stores sure, but try asking for mustard at El Camino Real and see the look you get. Although, it's super spicy cousin is served at most Chinese places. (Score: 7)

Total - 26

4. Ranch Dressing.

Taste - It really depends. I hate Hidden Valley, Kraft, Newman's, etc, but I love the stuff in the jar and in my opinion Round Table Pizza may have the best ranch in the world. I guess it just depends. (Score: 8)

Usefulness - Ranch is right up there with hot sauce in that you can put ranch on everything. Pizza, breakfast sandwiches, regular sandwiches, tacos, and fries to name a few. (Score: 10)

Appeal - It is also white and creamy, but with little green bits of love floating around in it. (Score: 9)

Availability - Just when you thought the world has come to its senses you go to a place like Cafe Bernardo and ask for a side of ranch with your pizza and they respond by telling you they don't serve ranch. I used to hate them for that. (Score: 7)

Total - 34

5. Ketchup.

Taste - Everyone knows what Ketchup tastes like. It is a combination of sweet and sour and is one of those things you miss when it isn't around. (Score: 6)

Usefulness - It really goes on three things, burgers, dogs, and fries. It is also used a base for BBQ sauce and probably a lot of hot sauces as well. (Score: 7)

Appeal - It is fire engine red and looks good on the foods it's supposed to look good on. Put ketchup on eggs or something like that and I get woozy. (Score: 6)

Availability - You could find a ketchup packet underneath a burnt our Hum-V tire in the Syrian Desert. (Score: 9)

Total - 28

6. BBQ Sauce.

Taste - This stuff tastes like an unexpected Christmas present - it's sweet that someone got it for you, but at the same time you're a little heated because you have nothing to give in return. (Score: 8)

Usefulness - Well, it is kind of one dimensional in that it really can only be used with BBQ, but then again there are like a million different ways to BBQ. (Score: 8)

Appeal - It has a beautiful reddish-amber color that looks and smells so good on cooking meat. (Score: 9)

Availability - I would say it is pretty common. Not as common as ketchup, but if you have ketchup, you can usually make BBQ sauce with other stuff in your cabinets. Only a small portion of restaurants carry it. (Score: 6)

Total - 31

Well, those are the six big ones. I know there are dozens of others, but my fingers hurt (what's that?) and I have been writing this thing for like and hour and need to get busy doing other stuff I should be doing. When you add it up, it looks like Mayo and Ranch ended up in a tie and a well-deserving tie at that. I love both of those condiments very much and cannot imagine a world without them.

Dreams Don't Come True...

Today, I sent the following to the Sports Guy:

"Simmons,

This is kind of a two part question. First, what are your thoughts on the Bengals being the subject of this year's "Hard Knocks" on HBO? Did they totally miss the bus on this one or are we still in for a few suspensions, a dozen or so arrests, and should they have just called the show, "Hard Knocks: Chad Johnson"?

Second, I was just curious if your new book is going to be filled with podcasts or if there will actually be writing in it."

I have been reading Bill Simmons as long, or longer then anyone I know. I started emailing him pretty consistently in about 2002 when he first started with ESPN. I consider myself to be somewhat of a humorous person so you can imagine my surprise when not one of my emails has made the "Mailbag." Because of Simmons and his lack of interest in my witty banter, I decided to start my own mailbag a couple months ago and here are some questions that I received.

Q: Robo, who would you say would win in a fight between Silvester Stallone in the latest "Rocky" movie or Mickey Rourke in "the Wrestler"? - Ted in Long Island, NY.

A: This reminds me of a debate my friends and I used to have about whether or not Jackie Chan would beat the Piss out of Steven Segal. Jackie was a little guy, but you could tell he had mad karate skills. But Steven had weight, pretended he was Asian, and had a pony tail. I always sided with Jackie. I would probably take Stallone because of his similarities to Chan/Segal. Now that I think of it, there are no similarities and I would take Mickey Rourke because he was just as buff as Stallone in "Get Carter" and he can actually box (look at his face).

Q: Matt, what is the the gnarliest thing you have ever pulled out of your body or seen pulled out of someone else's? - Stanley in Sarasota, FL.

This is a three way tie between the stick I pulled out of my foot when I was 8, the Carona bottle I have seen a stripper pull out of her naughty place on various occasions in Tijuana, or the spiked-metal fence pole my friend Dustin pulled his groin off of when we were kids.

Q: Bot, there are millions of types of haircuts in this world, what is your favorite and what celebrity wore it best? - Neil in Bend, OR.

A: That question was easier than I thought. The Mullet, a.k.a the Corvette Cut, the SFLB, the Mud Flap, the Kentucky Waterfall, or Business Up Front Party in the Back. The best person to wear a mullet would probably be Brian Bosworth which is why one other name for a mullet can simply be called, the Boz.

Q: If you had to pick a favorite gay celebrity who would it be? - Blaine in Miami, FL.

A: I knew that one would pop up eventually. I would say it's a tie between Neil Patrick Harris and Dan Shively in Live Copter 3. Neil was Doogie Howser M.D. and played some great roles in his later years. Even as a gay man, he did blow off of a chicks ass in that ethnic movie. Dan Shively on the other hand, well I am not even sure if he is gay but he sure seems like it.

Q: Do you know what a "herpe curtain" is? - Zack in the O.C.

A: Yes, I invented the term. It is the thin sheet of paper used in public restrooms to protect your anus and your penis from touching the toilet seat. In my opinion, one of the greatest inventions of all time. The guy who owns the patent on that must make a killing.

Q: Is your favorite movie of all time really "Days of Thunder?" - Tom C. in Beverly Hills, CA.

A: Yes. Rubbin' is racin' and I know it's you.

Q: The other night my roommate bet me that I couldn't eat a piece of cat shit out of the litter box and not throw up. I totally did it, but I threw up. What is the worst bet you have ever accepted and lost? - Luke in Sacramento, CA.

A: In college, I bet my friend that if the Kings lost to the Lakers I would shave lines in both my eyebrows. I looked like a retarded Vanilla Ice, but it got me in for free at Momo Lounge when I came home to visit. Most of the dumb shit I do is voluntary so bets are typically not needed.

Q: Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with Gilbert Godfrey or the Aflac duck? - Mary in Biloxi, Miss.

A: Mary, I am not sure if that is a trick question or if you are just stupid, but the duck is voiced by Mr. Godfrey. However, if I must answer I would take the duck because I could eat it.

Q: What do you think the easiest job in the world is? - Charles in Phoenix, AZ.

A: It used to be weather man. You can just pull numbers out of your ass and no one cares. I could go on the news tonight and say that tomorrow it will be 96 in Sacramento, 99 in Modesto, and 90 in Fairfield and who would question me? No one.

But, I said it used to be weather man. Recent events have now changed the easiest job ever to professional sports draft analyst.

Q: Last night, I got super drunk and went to Taco Bell. I ate like five bean burritos and a whole mess of tacos. I woke up in the morning and discovered I had shit the bed. The gross thing is that I tasted it to make sure it was poop and not beans. Have you ever pooped the bed? - Najeh in Indiana.

A: Yup, these are my readers. (Bill Simmons TM)

Know Your Role...

Over the last several days, I have been watching the epic TV mini series Lonesome Dove starring Tommy Lee Jones and Bobby Duvall as two Texas Rangers making a cattle run from a small Texas border town up to Montana. The series is about all of the unexpectedness that happens along the way. Duvall and Jones are so good in this mini series that it got me thinking. Who are the greatest actors in certain roles?

This list is solely based on actors that I remember off the top of my head and therefore, this list is based on my opinion and probably sucks. Now, I realize that I don't really know much about anything, but movies are a subject with which I can hold my own. When you read this list, hopefully you will take a minute and then say to yourself, "You know what? I don't think I could imagine anyone else playing that role."

Well, here goes (the numbering serves no real purpose)...

1. Robert Duvall as Harry Hogge in Days of Thunder. "We're eatin' Ice Cream." What a sweet name for a NASCAR crew chief too.

2. Joe Pesci as Nicky Santoro in Casino. "You mudda fucka! Fuck my mudda!?" You could almost use his role in Goodfellas, but I just think he was so much more of an ass in this movie. Plus, his acting when they are beating his brother is legendary.

3. Ralph Macchio as Daniel LaRusso in The Karate Kid. "When do I learn how to punch?" I just can't see any other '80s actor in this role. Judd Nelson...nope. Andrew McCarthy...nah. John Cusack...yeah right.

4. Rosie Perez as Gloria Clemente in White Men Can't Jump. "What is a quince?" I am kidding. A Chihuahua getting shot over and over again with a BB gun would have been better in that role.

5. Laurenz Tate as O-Dog in Menace II Society. "Hey, you know what nigga? You actin' like a little bitch right now." I was legitimately scared of O-Dog when this movie came out. I thought I was going to get shot over a cheeseburger. Seriously...scared!

6. Silvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa in Rocky I-IV. "I guess what I am trying to say is, that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!" Rocky V and Rocky Balboa were never made. Stallone wrote this movie and actually had to audition for it. Can you imagine if Burt Reynolds would have gotten the lead in this film like the studio wanted?

7. Martin Sheen as Captain Willard in Apocalypse Now. "The bullshit piled up so fast in Vietnam that you needed wings to stay above it." I think the reason I liked him so much in this movie was not so much for his acting, but more for his raspy voice narrating the film.

8. Al Pacino as Michael Corleone in The Godfather I-II. "You think I'd make my sister a widow?" I know, I know. Pretty obvious and one could make a case for Brando, but the way Pacino portrays Mike's transformation from good to evil is one for the ages.

9. Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels as Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber. "The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson I got this old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her." Who the fuck could have pulled these roles off besides these two? I didn't even know Daniels was funny until this movie came out. I think I have seen it over 150 times.

10. Bruce Willis as John McClane in Diehard. "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker." Can you see anyone else, dead or alive, delivering that line? I cannot.

11. Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump in Forrest Gump. "Mama says they was magic shoes." I saw this movie six times in the theatre the summer it came out and it wasn't because of Sally Field, Robin Wright Penn, or Gary Sinese.

12. Paul Newman as Luke in Cool Hand Luke. "Small town, not much to do this eveninin." I think this role was almost too easy for Newman. He was the coolest dude on the planet when it was made and it just kind of carried over into his role as the coolest dude in the prison camp. George Kennedy actually got the Oscar for his role in the film, which was also amazing.

13. Sam Jackson as Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction. "'What' ain't know country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?" I am not a fan of Sam Jackson as I think he just kind of took his role in this movie and cloned it for every one of his roles after it, but can you imagine this movie if, say, Denzel Washington had played Jules. Wouldn't work.

14. Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in Indian Jones and the everyone one except the last one. "I'm like a bad penny, I always turn up." I bet you didn't know that Tom Selleck was supposed to be Inidana Jones because George Lucas didn't want Ford to become his Robert Deniro. I knew the Selleck thing, but read that last bit on Wikipedia.

15. Mark Wahlberg as Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights. "Feel. Feel. Feel. Feel my heat." I think that Marky's lack of acting skills helped in this role. He played an idiot so well and I didn't even know he could talk like he did for this film. Funny thing is, he talks the exact same in the M. Knight Shamalsaaaastyyawenasmd movie The Happening. It's almost as if Mark thought he was filming Boogie Nights II: The Internet Rocks and rehearsed for another part as Dirk until the day he walked on set and realized he was in a sci-fi flick about killer plants.

My brain hurts, but before I go I have a question for you. Do you notice something about the above list? Answer: There are no women on it. That is because I couldn't think of one stand-out role played by a woman that made me say to myself, "Man, I can't see anyone but her playing that role. She really brought out my emotions." I suppose when it comes to memorable roles, women are kind of like legos. Sure, they come in all different colors, but no matter what color the block is, it'll still work to put it together. Therefore, I would like to here from some women on who I am missing. Bette Midler in Beaches? Maryl Streep in Out of Africa? Pam Anderson in Barbed Wire? I am curious!

Take Me Down to Flavortown!

Some friends and I were recently watching "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" on the food network and making comments on what a shit bag Guy Fieri is, or as he says it "Fietti." First and foremost, Guy's real last name is Ferry, which is Irish or Scottish, so I highly doubt that his grandfather was named Giuseppe as he claimed in one show. I would really like him to explain this to his viewers. Was the surname Fieri so hard for the folks over at Ellis Island to pronounce that they changed it to Ferry or is this dude a big dick bag who thought people might respect him more as a chef and restaurateur if he had a more "cultural" sounding name. I'll bet the latter.

Next, what is up with the way he dresses? Do males still bleach their hair? Is his goatee trimmed with a weed whacker?Does he love bowling so much that he wears the fashions of the sport everywhere he goes? Does his car not have a center console to leave his sunglasses in or does he have eyes in the back of his head? The wristband thing I get. It was something between him and his son when he was on "the Next Food Network Star" so I'll leave that one alone.

I don't think that I am alone here when I make the following assumption, but I think guy is probably a terrible cook and knows very little about food. In fact, I am not sure if he has ever been to "Flavortown." Whenever I see him on his show, he is describing dishes with insightful phrases like, "That's so money" and "Wow, that is amazingly tender." Sometimes he will make comments about the hints of *insert obvious spice that the guy just told you was in the dish* or perhaps how the *insert obvious ingredient" really comes through. I have eaten at Tex Wasabi in Sacramento and it is possibly one of the worst meals I have ever had in my life. I can only imagine what the rest of his restaurants are like. But what do you expect from a guy who's dishes sound like the TGI Friday's menu on steroids. "Today I am making lime tequila chicken dipper bite shooters with a cocaine crust and a whammy bammy cocktail on the side!"

This brings me to my final point. Guy goes around the country, helping to put small town or off the beaten path restaurants and diners on the map, but then pushes dishes for TGI Friday's on TV. I am sorry, but aren't restaurants like Friday's the reason why a lot of these small town or hole in the wall places get ran out of business? What a moron.

Despite all of the idiocy that is Guy Ferry, I still watch his damn show as it is interesting and every now and then you get a hometown spot on there (Sacramento has already had three). I just wish they would get a new host who, as Anthony Bourdain described it, doesn't remind you of the Poochie character from the Simpson's.

Who is Pat Morita?

Will Ferrell recently hosted SNL and they did a new version of Celebrity Jeopardy with Tom Hanks, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Sean Connery. I am sorry, but Celebrity Jeopardy could be the greatest sketch in SNL history. Ferrell plays such a good Alex Trebek. In particular, the sketch with Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds as Turd Ferguson is probably the single funniest sketch the show may have ever put out. You can check that one out here in case you need a refresher course in funny. 

If I had to rank the top ten best SNL sketches of all time, I think Ferrell would be in a few of them. Actually, that gives me an idea...here are the top ten best sketches of my lifetime courtesy of SNL. I linked to the videos of the ones I could find. 

10.5 Big Bernard

10. Velvet Jones School of Technology

9.5. Blizzard Man

9. Bill Clinton Auditions

8. Dick in a Box

7.5 Brian Fellows (that bird's gonna ruin my credit). 

7. Lazy Sunday

6. More Cowbell

5. Schmitts Gay Commercial

4. Down by the River (Matt Foley)

3. Woodrow and Britney Spears (Take a Doo Doo Pie)

2. Chippendale's

1. Celebrity Jeopardy (See above for link).

Well, those are them. I am sure you remember others, but these are some of my favorites. If you think of any other great ones, let me me know and I'll post them.

Oh, and here is the recent Celebrity Jeopardy video. The Connery insults in this one may be the best yet. Oh, and someone makes a surpise appearance. Enjoy...

Greatness...

I haven't posted anything in a while and there isn't really anything pressing to talk about at the moment because I am off to Hawaii in the morning. But I do have a video for you to check out. Back in 1988, this music video came out and I thought it was the coolest thing since sliced bread and made me fall in love with a certain band. In fact, the band would later be my first concert in what would become many. The video was like nothing I had seen before in that it was like reality TV before there was a genre called reality TV. All the other videos around the time reminded me of either a Meatloaf video or a Dire Straits video, the over the top fire works, hot cars, and big hair or the artsy half animated, half reality type shit. This video just showed how big and bad a band could be in the 80s. Seriously, look at Giants Stadium. It is almost packed and holds 80,000 people. Anyway, without further ado, enjoy six and a half minutes of pure awesomeness because this video will take you back. 

Mr. Base-a-ball

I have been talking a lot lately with friends about baseball and about which players suck and which ones are awesome, who we love to watch and who we'd rather stare at a melting turd than see play. It got me to thinking about who my favorite players are and have been throughout my life. I figured I would make a list of my favorite professional baseball players both past and present who I've had the privilege of riding along with during their careers. Before I begin I just wanted to note that I am both a Giants and a Red Sox fan. If they ever played each other in the World Series, I would probably root for the Giants (unless they had A-Rod, Derek Jeter or anyone from the 2002 Angels playing for them). 

1. Manny Ramirez - it was really hard for me to put Manny here because he is a Dodger now and I am a Giants fan and therefore, am predisposed to hating any and all Dodgers. But having watched him all those years on the Red Sox and winning two rings with them gives him a special place in my heart. "Manny being Manny" is the term used when referring to his antics on and off the field. Some examples include leaving games during pitching changes to pee inside the Green Monster, leaving paychecks for hundreds of thousands of dollars on top of his locker and forgetting to cash them for years at a time, and playing left field with a water bottle in his back pocket just to name a few. Manny is one of the best hitters of all-time and is one of the most underrated players in the game. 

2. Will Clark - No player meant more to me as a kid than "Will the Thrill." He was the Giants in the late 80s and early 90s. He was an exceptional hitter and it scares me to think of what he might have done in the new ball park compared to the shit hole that was and still is Candlestick.I think he would have easily reached the 500 home run club. Will could have been number one on this list, but when I was a kid I asked him for his autograph at Candlestick before a game and he told me he didn't have time. I will never forget that Will Clark!

3. Barry Bonds - Say what you want about "Baroid," but the dude is responsible for 90 percent of my most thrilling baseball moments and he was the only guy in any sport ever that got cut-aways during other teams games (some of them in different sports).  Sure, he was a dick, probably took a ton of roids (speculation), and didn't know when to say when in terms of retiring, but the guy is probably the best hitter of all-time (I hear you moaning Ted Williams fans) and arguably the best to ever play the game. My one regret for Barry was that he was such an asshole to the media because they basically pinned the whole steroid era on him and it sucks because he was a Giant. Is it really cheating if everyone around you is doing the same thing?

4. Wade Boggs - When I was a kid playing baseball, Wade was in his prime. I remember playing on the Red Sox in little league and fighting dudes to get number 26. One of the first real books I remember reading with my dad was The Techniques of Modern Hitting. One thing was for sure, Wade could hit. He was a career .330 hitter with over 3000 hits. His mustache was also pretty dope and a lot of chicks probably got rides on that thing in Tampa. Problem with Wade was he was an ass. He was one of the first big name Red Sox to jump ship for the Yankees and when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame he wanted to wear a Tampa Bay hat. Those were pretty low class moves. But hey, he was on Cheers. 

5. Rickey Henderson - Growing up I did not like the A's one bit. Every time we did one of those little league days at the Coliseum I would root for the other team. But for some reason, I loved Rickey Henderson. I had his posters on my wall, wore his neon green batting gloves, and had a shirt from when he won the MVP. However, it wasn't until much later that I came to appreciate the true gem that is/was Rickey Henderson. The John Olerud incident, Rickey not liking it when Rickey has to wait for Rickey's limo, the tenure/ten year's story, and the signing bonus are all great Rickey stories. Did you know that Rickey played for the A's four different times? 

6. Matt Williams - Matty should have been the first to break Maris' record but he was fucked by the strike in the mid-90s. Matt always just seemed like a classy guy and someone you wanted to emulate. Plus, he didn't fit the mold of other power hitters during the same time period. He was a tall, lanky dude who could hit the piss out of the ball. I was happy to see him get a ring in 2001 (even though it was with Arizona). 

I am just gonna end it here because I could make cases for dozens more, including Bo Jackson, Roger Clemens, Kevin Mitchell, David Ortiz, Mike Schmidt, George Brett and Dion James (only because he lived next door to my friend and I struck him out during a wiffle ball game in 1997). I just don't have the time to get it all down right now. 

21-8

That is the score from last night's softball game against our arch rivals, and yours truly's former team, the Suck Dragons. The Suck Dragons fans were in full force, trying their best to annoy the shit out of the Luck Donkeys by heckling us. The Donkeys on the other hand, had a couple of charity fans who came over and sat on our side for an inning or so (one of them being my dad), but that was about it. 

Regardless, we put the smack down on them and improved on our run total from the last time we met when we beat them by a score of 12-1. 

Next week, our main mission should be to get some fans out to our game. We play BJs from Natomas at 7:30. 

I also want to point out that we are improving every week and it is our first season together. Throw out our first game and the 1-run loss to the first place team and we're undefeated. Next season, we dominate. 

The Most Awesome Picture Ever!

My little sister sent me one of those chain emails with a bunch of photos of people doing off the wall shit or whove found themselves involved in some very precarious situations. About half way through the email I came across the picture above and had two initial reactions: I laughed my ass off and then thought that the dude in the picture is awesome. I mean, he is posing something fierce with two guitars, eight guns, several boxes of ammo, a couple of knives, and a dozen clips...oh yeah and the guy is in his underwear on the bottom half a little kids bunk bed painted smurf blue. Furthermore, the guy looks like a fat, balding version of British comedian Russell Brand. 

What really peaks my curiosity is what lucky son of a bitch got to be on the other side of the lens? Unless this kind of photo is common theme in the butt crack of states such as Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi, Georgia and Alabama, I can't imagine the photographer was able to keep a straight face. I wouldn't have thought anything was amiss if my buddy asked me. "Hey man, I was wonderin' if you might take a picture of me with all my bad ass guns and guitars?" I would however have dropped dead of laughter when he called me into his room to let me know he was all set up and the above is what I walked into. 

I heart rednecks for these kinds of photos and these kinds of photos only. 

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

My Dad Is So Gay - watch more funny videos

What a Saturday

This weekend was filled with yard work and construction projects for the backyard, trying to get it done so come May 1, Jess and I can just enjoy the yard we have worked so hard on. My friend Ryan Kenny and I built a bar from scratch this weekend and it came out amazing. Kenny is one hell of a craftsman. 

I also re-sodded my backyard during the bar construction. Somehow, I still had the energy to make it out to the Shady Lady for the opening. Soon enough, we'll have folks over. But I still have to stain the bar and fiberglass the top. 

Got Milk?

Last night I watched the biopic Milk starring Sean Penn, James Franco, and Emile Hirsch. While the love scenes in this movie are not as good as in Brokeback Mountain...I am just fucking with you. 

The movie depicted the gay struggle for equal rights in California and elsewhere in the country, but focused mostly on the Castro District in San Francisco. I thought the movie was inspiring, that Penn was tits and nailed the character, and that Harvey Milk was a bold and brave S.O.B. It surprises me that I hadn't heard more about him prior to the release of this movie, which brings me to my point. 

Mark Leno, a gay state senator from SF, recently introduced a senate bill that would declare May 22 as Harvey Milk Day in California. It wouldn't make it a state holiday like Martin Luther King Day or Memorial Day, but it would suggest some sort of an observance of Milk and what he stood for. I am just curious as to why Leno, a guy who has introduced a gay marriage bill every year since he has been in office, waits until the release of Milk to introduce a Harvey Milk Day bill? Like me, did he not know who Harvey Milk was until the film came out, or is he just jumping on the bandwagon and trying to gain additional clout in the gay community? If I had to guess, I would say the latter. 

I am not trying to take away from Leno or his efforts because he has always been a very vocal gay rights activist, but it just seems a little sour is all. I mean, Leno lived in SF at the exact time Milk was active and on the board of supervisors (a position Leno held almost 20 years later) so I know he knew who he was. It's almost like Harvey Milk wasn't worth mentioning until Sean Penn played him in a movie and won a bunch of awards. Like Leno is saying, "Hey, you know what, that movie about Harvey was well received, maybe I should try and do something to further my standing in the gay community." It just seems sort of Al Sharpton-esque.

I am probably completely off here and maybe Leno just felt he needed the movie before anyone would take a Harvey Milk Day seriously. It is hard for me to question Leno's motives because I have watched him work for several years and he is genuinely a nice person. Who knows? Maybe Cleve Jones brought the idea to Leno (you'd have to have seen the movie to get that one). 

These were just some thoughts I had while watching Milk. I allocate this movie four stars. ****

VaGiants

The Giants open their season today against the Brewers of Milwaukee. Young Timmy Lincecum takes the mound against Jeff Suppan. The Giants should fair pretty well this season as the lineup is a little younger than in recent years. I hope one of them emerges as a slugger because they are lacking in the "hitting the ball over the fence" department and I wouldn't consider Bengie Molina the answer. Perhaps Ishikawa is, but that has yet to be seen. What is for sure is that the team has improved in the off-season and has one of the best pitching staffs in the majors, with the exception of one Barry William Zito.

Yesterday, my friend Fatty and I were talking about Barry Zito and how he is a giant turd and will once again finish <.500 in one of the weakest divisions in baseball. We started harping on different ways that Barry Zito could earn his $17 million a year salary. Some of our ideas included working on the grounds crew, participating in "Barry Zito Date Night" at which a female (or gay) fan gets to sit next to him in the bullpen and gets free hot dogs and cokes, buying a beer for everyone in the stadium once a month, playing all of his teammates entrance music on the acoustic guitar, or simply start taking HGH and playing outfield a la Rick Ankiel. 

What do you think? What is the best way for Zito to earn his keep? Maybe Brian Sabean should have to pay him out of his own pocket since apparently he is the only one in the world that didn't see that Zito was washed up, that his once-famous curve ball wasn't breaking anymore, and oh yeah, he throws a fastball a cool 85 MPH. I was reading Zito's Wikipedia page and it offers this little tidbit: "The velocity of Zito's four-seam fastball has diminished; it's currently one of the slowest in the Major Leagues." 

Update #1 - Taylor Hicks sang the National Anthem. This is who we get to perform in San Francisco? Some silver-haired oke ball. Were Huey Lewis, John Fogerty, Chris Isaak, Carlos Santana, Stevie Nicks, and Johnny Mathis all busy?

Update #2 - Timmy "the Freak" Lincecum looked like a tight ball of whale dick in his three solid innings of lame assery.

Update #3 - Aaron Rowand looks angry, even though he just hit the piss out of one into the left field seats. 

Update #4 - Pablo Sandoval is a big dude and he moves like a big dude. Not good for fielding bunts. 

I Don't Get It

I have been looking everywhere for the SNL skit in which Tracy Morgan plays Woodrow the homeless man and sings the "Doo Doo Pie" song to Britney Spears. It is one of the greatest sketches ever and it is no where to be found. Everywhere I went it said NBC Universal had removed the video, but of course when I go to NBC.com or Hulu.com, neither have it up. Oh well. Here are the lyrics to the song. If you have never seen it, imagine Tracy dressed like a bum and barely keeping a a straight face singing it to Britney. 

Little TV sets
Going off inside my ear
Spacemen floating by
Firecracker beer

Chase the Demons lightly
Look inside your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a doo-doo pie
I love you

Chase the Demons lightly
News, it hits your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a doo-doo pie
I love you

And, since I couldn't find that video, here is Tracy Morgan hammered on David Letterman. One of the best interviews ever. I turn into a Gremlin.

F-Bombs

I am sure that most people in their lives have been told on several different occasions to watch their language because there are children in the vicinity (this happened to me last night as a matter of fact). Now maybe it's because I am not a parent, but I don't understand why this is such a big deal?  It is 2009 and believe it or not, your kid is probably gonna here some bad words. How is this possible you wonder? Well, considering in two or three clicks of a mouse a kid can see a chick getting peed on, I think he or she's probably come across the word "shit" a few times. There is cussing on TV, in movies, on the radio, in music, and just about everywhere else. Hell, I can say 20 cuss words in Spanish and I barely speak the language. There is no avoiding it. Bad language is everywhere. 

When you tell me to watch my mouth all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. As soon as little Jimmy hits fourth grade, you bet your ass he is at school sitting around at lunch, telling his friends about how Ms. McCleary stepped in "dog shit" on the way to class this morning and how he knows for a fact that Nick Jonas "banged" so and so.  The word "fuck" is in Webster's Dictionary for fuck's sake. I would like to see a study done on whether or not Uncle Matt yelling, "Nice play shit head!" to his brother in law at the softball field has any influence over your kids vocabulary in the coming years. I don't remember the first few times I heard a bad word and neither will your kids. 

Look, I am not condoning dropping f-bombs in front of children and it's not like I get a kick out of it or anything. I just hate it when parents get all high and mighty about cussing in front of their children, yet they're the same retard who brings their kid to the bleachers in the Oakland Coliseum or drags them along to bowling night. Sometimes, I just wonder. If you're so worried about cussing around your kids, why don't you buy them an iPod so they can listen to stuff like this. It's what I was listening to in my impressionable years and I turned out okay. 

To Choke or Not to Choke?

That was the question running through my head as I stepped up to the plate with two outs in the bottom of the seventh inning (the softball equivalent to the ninth), our team down by one with the tying run at third. All I needed to do was get on base and we're heading to extra innings. I start thinking I want to pull the ball down the left field line and as a result, open up my stance. The pitch came at me outside and I swung and end up hitting a little dribbler off the end of the bat right back to the pitcher. Game over. I felt like the biggest turd in the world. 

We ended up losing 5-4 to the Luck Dragons. Our bats, with the exception of Jay Howard, were asleep at the wheel the entire game. We just couldn't manage to put together consecutive hits. Defense was great as usual, but our offense was weak. 

The Luck Dragons are now in first place and we are tied for whatever. In a league with no playoff system, records are all that matter. A win last night would have put us in a tie for first place. Considering we don't play them again and I don't really see anyone else in the league beating them, the Championship may be theirs with four games still to go. 

Oh well, we'll get 'em next season. 

On a lighter note, here is a link to a timeless classic. After my last at-bat last night, I thought about changing my name too.

Spike Jonze! Who?

So Spike Jonze has a new movie coming out titled Where the Wild Things Are. This was one of my favorite books as a kid and I cannot wait to see what Spike Jonze does with this movie. You can peep the trailer by clicking here. The shots they show look amazing. Use the 480p version for best results. 

For the Love of the Game

Last night's softball game was the kind I love to play. A real barn burner for the first couple of innings, followed by our team running the blitzkrieg style offense for the remainder of the game. This is the second game in a row we have been up to bat, piling on the runs, when the umps stepped in and called the game. At the end of the game, I walked over to the scorekeeper to ask the final count and he responded, "You want my best guess or the actual count?"

I said, "The actual count, please." 

He looked at his score book, added a couple of things up and said, "17-5 or so." 

Our defense was a little rusty the first couple innings which is the only reason they managed five runs on us. I think I need to just put together a lineup and run with it so that everyone gets comfortable in their positions. I may fool around with that next week. 

Speaking of next week's game, we play the early bird special at 6:30 p.m. against a team which may prove to be our toughest rival...the Luck Dragons. Next week is also Cesar Chavez day and all of us should have the day off so there may be a BBQ of some sorts in the park before the game if anyone is interested. The Hurners are on beers next week and they have a head start thanks to Amy. 

In other news, the Suck Dragons won impressively last night, beating a wet paper bag 19-2...just kidding Sucks. 

IFH Mondays

This video kills me. Everytime I don't want to be at work on a Monday (which is most of them), I watch it and it makes me laugh and think that the day could be a lot worse if I had drank beers on Sunday. 

Better Late Than Never

First off, let me start by apologizing to my friend Gina who found my comments about certain La Bou employees a bit offensive in my blog last week. At the same time, I also want to make it clear that I call things like I see them and anyone who knows me knows that. I knew that when I wrote what I wrote, some people might not take kindly to it. I wrote it anyway because well, it's my blog and I don't have editors (or much of a conscience for that matter). While it may not have been funny to my friend Gina, I am sure other people got a laugh out of it. I guess them's the breaks.  

In other news, the Luck Donkeys played the Suck Dragons this past Tuesday in softball and put on a stellar performance, dominating the Dragons for the entire game and eking out a 12-1 victory in the process. Our defense was off the hook and our offense wasn't too shabby either. 

Now I am sure the Dragons are gonna chalk it up to it being St. Patty's day and all, and they had too much to drink and what not. To that I say, "Horsehit!" We had cocktails too. We'll see them again at the end of the season. 

This coming Tuesday we play the Blow Jobs from Natomas at 7:30 p.m. I will be at the field around 6:30 p.m. for fun in the sun. Thanks to everyone who made it to my sister's and brought along some beer or food. 

La Bullshit

I went to La Bou for lunch today because it is close, their sandwiches are decent and you could say it's reasonably priced. I don't get to La Bou too often because I usually bring my lunch so today was a treat. I had the La Bou Club and a small house salad with dill dressing. I asked the lady for a large dill dressing because the dill dressing at La Bou is amazing. I could eat just the dressing and a baguette for lunch and be content. Imagine my surprise when I got back to my desk at work and found a small- barely enough to wet my lettuce -  side of the dressing. I was livid because I must have said to the lady at the register at least four different times that I wanted a large dressing and of course, she didn't understand me. This failure to give me my large dressing allows me to ask the following: Why does La Bou, or any place of business for that matter, have people that can't pass a night school beginning English class working the front lines of customer service?

I understand that La Bou is owned by a Vietnamese immigrant and that she wants to lend a helping hand to her immigrant brethren by gainfully employing them, but for fuck's sake, do they have to be the ones taking my sandwich order!? The La Bou I frequent (11th and O) is probably the busiest one in town so you would think that communication with its customers would be of the highest priority to ensure that things run smoothly and timely. Instead, I am yelling, "large dill!" to a women who may or may not have been an extra in Full Metal Jacket and praying that I don't end up with a tuna fish sandwich on rye with a side of Asian noodle salad. It's fucking nerve wracking I tell ya'. Meanwhile, I see an English speaking person making coffees and shit in the back, casually chatting it up with another person who possesses a firm grasp on the English language who is pouring iced-tea into a pitcher. I wonder if  this is some kind of reverse racism or revenge plot by the owner; payback for something that happened during the war. Who fucking knows.

To its credit, La Bou has never really messed up an order of mine. They have added sprouts a few times when I said no sprouts, forgot to add mustard when I asked for it, given me Dijon when I asked for dill, charged me for cheese when there was none...on second thought, they have messed my order up and quite often. Disregard that opening sentence. 

I have decided to take action against La Bou by publishing the recipe to there dill dressing. Now you, the home chef, can make large batches as often as you like. You no longer have to worry about whether the amount of dill you have will be enough to cover the amount of lettuce on your salad or to dip your bread in. Enjoy and let me know how it comes out. 

1/4 package of Hidden Valley Ranch Buttermilk dressing mix.

1/4 cup of mayonnaise.

2 to 3 tablespoons of fresh dill.

Use water to thin (~1/4 cup).

Eating Crow

Oh how the mighty have fallen (and it's only been one game). The preseason favorites to take the crown went down in a blaze of glorylessness last night in their season debut. Bench Coach Matt, after running his mouth (fingers is more like it),  was mightily embarrassed when the game ended 5-4 in favor of the other team. 

Well, I am going to chalk that one up to chemistry and a change of venue. I felt like a chicken with my head cut off last trying to get everyone "learn-ed" on the rules, the bats, their positions, etc. (this is why we show up to games early Luck Donkeys). We were really only a throwing error or two away from an easy win. Our bats should be back next week as well and I am gonna make a few changes in the positions and the batting order based on last night's game. 

Shake it off team. Next week, we play the Suck Dragon's in what will soon be known as the St. Patrick's Day Massacre (there I go running my fingers again). 

Please!

My birthday is exactly 297 days away. Many of you did not make my 30th birthday party this year and it was a slap in the face since I usually come to all of your stupid crap. If you'd like to redeem yourself and get me a belated present, you may purchase the shirt pictured at Bravo's website. 

I will be forever grateful. 

What Is Wrong With Bud?

For as far back as I can remember, Major League Baseball has opened its season on a Monday and this year is no different; April 6 to be exact. Each year this happens, I ask myself why. Why do the powers that be over at Major League Baseball continue to schedule one of the greatest sports days of the entire year on a Monday? Technically, "opening night" is Sunday, April 5. I say bullshit because only one regular season game is scheduled and there are still exhibition games being played. This would be like saying you're opening a new mall and then only letting customers shop at one of the stores. You wouldn't really call that an opening, would you?

For the uninitiated, on opening day, close to every team in the Majors plays. There is baseball on TV non-stop and if you subscribe to the extra innings package, it makes it that much better. I love to curl up on my couch, crack open a few beers, get a burrito, and watch baseball all day long. I consider myself a fan of the game, but to be honest, this is probably the only day of the season that I will watch multiple games in their entirety. There is an excitement that surrounds opening day. Something about the sun shining, the stark-white uniforms, the crowd buzzing in the stands, and the return of baseball that surrounds this day with an indescribable aura. This is an experience I rarely miss, but as the opening days come and go, it is getting a lot harder to play along. 

First and foremost, Major League Baseball is a product, and like any product it needs to be marketed to remain viable. I was not a marketing major in college, but it would seem to me that the first principle of marketing would be to get your product to the most amount of people possible. Based on this principle, the most effective way to get Major League Baseball to as many people as possible, would be to schedule the most anticipated day of the year for baseball on a weekend. On Monday, people are at work and children are at school. Maybe I am wrong, but people are usually home on the weekends which means they could have friends over for baseball and a BBQ, or listen to the game on the radio while working in the yard. I could be way off the mark, but kids don't have school on weekends meaning their dads can take them to games or watch them on the couch like my dad and I used to do. 

This is my gripe with Bud Selig and the folks at Major League Baseball. Stop scheduling opening days for Monday. If you must do it during the week, make it a Friday. At least then, I have a way better chance of getting off work to sit on my couch all day. 

Well-Fed

Okay, I stole that title from one of my favorite celebrity blogs, but man did the artist/dancer/free-loader formerly known as K-Fed put on a few pounds. You would think that a guy who doesn't have to do jack shit could at least find the time to drive one the Ferraris Britney bought him to the gym. 

Chuck...

I cannot get enough Chuck Norris jokes. I started hearing them when I was in college and still find them hilarious. Here is a link to some of the better ones. 

You're welcome. 

Here is a sample:

"Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month."

The. Worst. Shoe. Ever.

Ladies, why in the hell do you insist on wearing shoes that look like this? I just saw like eight different women with these on walking back from the bank. Wearing a shoe in this style does not equal sexy, stylish, attractive, or fashionable. Combine this shoe with low-rise boot cut jeans and they equal one thing - WHITE TRASH! Have a good weekend.

When Good Writers Go Bad...or Start Podcasting

There are very few writers whose columns I look forward to reading as much as Bill Simmons, aka the Sportsguy, over at ESPN.com. I started reading him in 2000 when he was still writing for his former website back in New England. (Being a Redsox fan, I just kind of stumbled across it one day while searching the web.)

For those of you with the misfortune to not have enjoyed any of Simmons' work, it's like reading a transcript from a conversation between you and your friends. He not only discusses sports, but he takes movies, TV, music, and current events and relates them all to the sports world in an original and extremely entertaining style.

A couple of years ago, Simmons took several months off to write Now I Can Die in Peace, a tribute to the 2004 World Champion Redsox. I didn't realize how much I liked his writing until it was no longer available three times a week.

In the past year, Simmons has, with too much regularity, turned to what I consider the lamest invention spawned by the internet - the Podcast. It is like everyone who ever wanted to have a radio show can have one simply by creating a podcast, regardless of whether or not they are any good. (I know, a guy with a blog isn't much better.) Simmons is a bit different because he has a lot of celebrity connections, not to mention he works for ESPN, so he gets first-rate guests. The problem is not that the podcasts aren't satisfying, it's that I miss the articles. I just don't enjoy sitting in front of my computer and listening to two people banter back and forth about the NBA Draft, or the upcoming season of the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge." One, it is way to hard to pay attention to and two, the host tends to turn into a total kiss ass for fear of not pissing off his guest.

Simmons needs to get back to doing what he does best - writing columns, mailbags, running diaries, movie reviews, etc. One column a week is crap. A few years ago, Simmons took a shot at Rick Reilly, then with SI, and said he was "mailing it in," meaning Reilly would just submit a mediocre, 500-word column once a week and collect a paycheck as opposed to writing cover stories and in-depth articles about the world of sports.

Simmons, I think you may have become the pot.

Spring Softball

In approximately two weeks, spring softball season begins in Tahoe Park and with it, a new team arrives on the scene. Yours truly has jumped ship, leaving my girlfriend, relatives, and friends behind, for the warm and cozy bed of my former team. I have already heard and read the comments from my old Suck Dragon's teammates calling me a traitor and a sell-out...yada yada yada. To be honest, it doesn't bother me so keep'em coming. Prior to coming to Tahoe Park, I played roughly 15 seasons of softball with the folks I reunited with and be forewarned Tahoe Park, we are good...we are very good.

What really gets my goat is that the Hippies will not be around to receive a beating from us this season. Word on the street is that the Sports Authority ran out of knee braces and Tiger Balm so they couldn't field a team. I hear that a couple of them have joined my former team, bringing the Sucks roster count to somewhere around 23. There are six teams in the league this year which is still not a lot, but it is better than the four we had at the end of last year.

In keeping with tradition, we have decided to take another cheap shot at the Luck Dragon's ridiculous team name and call ourselves the Luck Donkeys (jerseys may or may not follow). Sorry LDs, but it was between that and Suckrilicious and we don't know enough of them to make fun just yet.

The season opener is Tuesday, March 10. Whatever the outcome is this season, it will be fun. If you have nothing better to do and want to drink some beer and watch some softball, come on out to Tahoe Park and find a seat in the bleachers.

Up and running...

So, I recently started a Facebook group called the Tahoe Park Beach and Tennis Club to let people in the neighborhood know about upcoming events and what not. I figured I would take that notion a step further by creating a blog where I can let people know about events and what not, as well as write and post stupid stuff for them to read, watch, or listen to. 

I will probably post a couple of times a week and it may be a long diatribe about the Giants off-season acquisitions, or it just may be a funny video like the one below. 

Acting With James Franco Episode 1: "Sense Memory" from James Franco