Mr. Base-a-ball

I have been talking a lot lately with friends about baseball and about which players suck and which ones are awesome, who we love to watch and who we'd rather stare at a melting turd than see play. It got me to thinking about who my favorite players are and have been throughout my life. I figured I would make a list of my favorite professional baseball players both past and present who I've had the privilege of riding along with during their careers. Before I begin I just wanted to note that I am both a Giants and a Red Sox fan. If they ever played each other in the World Series, I would probably root for the Giants (unless they had A-Rod, Derek Jeter or anyone from the 2002 Angels playing for them). 

1. Manny Ramirez - it was really hard for me to put Manny here because he is a Dodger now and I am a Giants fan and therefore, am predisposed to hating any and all Dodgers. But having watched him all those years on the Red Sox and winning two rings with them gives him a special place in my heart. "Manny being Manny" is the term used when referring to his antics on and off the field. Some examples include leaving games during pitching changes to pee inside the Green Monster, leaving paychecks for hundreds of thousands of dollars on top of his locker and forgetting to cash them for years at a time, and playing left field with a water bottle in his back pocket just to name a few. Manny is one of the best hitters of all-time and is one of the most underrated players in the game. 

2. Will Clark - No player meant more to me as a kid than "Will the Thrill." He was the Giants in the late 80s and early 90s. He was an exceptional hitter and it scares me to think of what he might have done in the new ball park compared to the shit hole that was and still is Candlestick.I think he would have easily reached the 500 home run club. Will could have been number one on this list, but when I was a kid I asked him for his autograph at Candlestick before a game and he told me he didn't have time. I will never forget that Will Clark!

3. Barry Bonds - Say what you want about "Baroid," but the dude is responsible for 90 percent of my most thrilling baseball moments and he was the only guy in any sport ever that got cut-aways during other teams games (some of them in different sports).  Sure, he was a dick, probably took a ton of roids (speculation), and didn't know when to say when in terms of retiring, but the guy is probably the best hitter of all-time (I hear you moaning Ted Williams fans) and arguably the best to ever play the game. My one regret for Barry was that he was such an asshole to the media because they basically pinned the whole steroid era on him and it sucks because he was a Giant. Is it really cheating if everyone around you is doing the same thing?

4. Wade Boggs - When I was a kid playing baseball, Wade was in his prime. I remember playing on the Red Sox in little league and fighting dudes to get number 26. One of the first real books I remember reading with my dad was The Techniques of Modern Hitting. One thing was for sure, Wade could hit. He was a career .330 hitter with over 3000 hits. His mustache was also pretty dope and a lot of chicks probably got rides on that thing in Tampa. Problem with Wade was he was an ass. He was one of the first big name Red Sox to jump ship for the Yankees and when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame he wanted to wear a Tampa Bay hat. Those were pretty low class moves. But hey, he was on Cheers. 

5. Rickey Henderson - Growing up I did not like the A's one bit. Every time we did one of those little league days at the Coliseum I would root for the other team. But for some reason, I loved Rickey Henderson. I had his posters on my wall, wore his neon green batting gloves, and had a shirt from when he won the MVP. However, it wasn't until much later that I came to appreciate the true gem that is/was Rickey Henderson. The John Olerud incident, Rickey not liking it when Rickey has to wait for Rickey's limo, the tenure/ten year's story, and the signing bonus are all great Rickey stories. Did you know that Rickey played for the A's four different times? 

6. Matt Williams - Matty should have been the first to break Maris' record but he was fucked by the strike in the mid-90s. Matt always just seemed like a classy guy and someone you wanted to emulate. Plus, he didn't fit the mold of other power hitters during the same time period. He was a tall, lanky dude who could hit the piss out of the ball. I was happy to see him get a ring in 2001 (even though it was with Arizona). 

I am just gonna end it here because I could make cases for dozens more, including Bo Jackson, Roger Clemens, Kevin Mitchell, David Ortiz, Mike Schmidt, George Brett and Dion James (only because he lived next door to my friend and I struck him out during a wiffle ball game in 1997). I just don't have the time to get it all down right now. 

21-8

That is the score from last night's softball game against our arch rivals, and yours truly's former team, the Suck Dragons. The Suck Dragons fans were in full force, trying their best to annoy the shit out of the Luck Donkeys by heckling us. The Donkeys on the other hand, had a couple of charity fans who came over and sat on our side for an inning or so (one of them being my dad), but that was about it. 

Regardless, we put the smack down on them and improved on our run total from the last time we met when we beat them by a score of 12-1. 

Next week, our main mission should be to get some fans out to our game. We play BJs from Natomas at 7:30. 

I also want to point out that we are improving every week and it is our first season together. Throw out our first game and the 1-run loss to the first place team and we're undefeated. Next season, we dominate. 

The Most Awesome Picture Ever!

My little sister sent me one of those chain emails with a bunch of photos of people doing off the wall shit or whove found themselves involved in some very precarious situations. About half way through the email I came across the picture above and had two initial reactions: I laughed my ass off and then thought that the dude in the picture is awesome. I mean, he is posing something fierce with two guitars, eight guns, several boxes of ammo, a couple of knives, and a dozen clips...oh yeah and the guy is in his underwear on the bottom half a little kids bunk bed painted smurf blue. Furthermore, the guy looks like a fat, balding version of British comedian Russell Brand. 

What really peaks my curiosity is what lucky son of a bitch got to be on the other side of the lens? Unless this kind of photo is common theme in the butt crack of states such as Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi, Georgia and Alabama, I can't imagine the photographer was able to keep a straight face. I wouldn't have thought anything was amiss if my buddy asked me. "Hey man, I was wonderin' if you might take a picture of me with all my bad ass guns and guitars?" I would however have dropped dead of laughter when he called me into his room to let me know he was all set up and the above is what I walked into. 

I heart rednecks for these kinds of photos and these kinds of photos only. 

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

My Dad Is So Gay - watch more funny videos

What a Saturday

This weekend was filled with yard work and construction projects for the backyard, trying to get it done so come May 1, Jess and I can just enjoy the yard we have worked so hard on. My friend Ryan Kenny and I built a bar from scratch this weekend and it came out amazing. Kenny is one hell of a craftsman. 

I also re-sodded my backyard during the bar construction. Somehow, I still had the energy to make it out to the Shady Lady for the opening. Soon enough, we'll have folks over. But I still have to stain the bar and fiberglass the top. 

Got Milk?

Last night I watched the biopic Milk starring Sean Penn, James Franco, and Emile Hirsch. While the love scenes in this movie are not as good as in Brokeback Mountain...I am just fucking with you. 

The movie depicted the gay struggle for equal rights in California and elsewhere in the country, but focused mostly on the Castro District in San Francisco. I thought the movie was inspiring, that Penn was tits and nailed the character, and that Harvey Milk was a bold and brave S.O.B. It surprises me that I hadn't heard more about him prior to the release of this movie, which brings me to my point. 

Mark Leno, a gay state senator from SF, recently introduced a senate bill that would declare May 22 as Harvey Milk Day in California. It wouldn't make it a state holiday like Martin Luther King Day or Memorial Day, but it would suggest some sort of an observance of Milk and what he stood for. I am just curious as to why Leno, a guy who has introduced a gay marriage bill every year since he has been in office, waits until the release of Milk to introduce a Harvey Milk Day bill? Like me, did he not know who Harvey Milk was until the film came out, or is he just jumping on the bandwagon and trying to gain additional clout in the gay community? If I had to guess, I would say the latter. 

I am not trying to take away from Leno or his efforts because he has always been a very vocal gay rights activist, but it just seems a little sour is all. I mean, Leno lived in SF at the exact time Milk was active and on the board of supervisors (a position Leno held almost 20 years later) so I know he knew who he was. It's almost like Harvey Milk wasn't worth mentioning until Sean Penn played him in a movie and won a bunch of awards. Like Leno is saying, "Hey, you know what, that movie about Harvey was well received, maybe I should try and do something to further my standing in the gay community." It just seems sort of Al Sharpton-esque.

I am probably completely off here and maybe Leno just felt he needed the movie before anyone would take a Harvey Milk Day seriously. It is hard for me to question Leno's motives because I have watched him work for several years and he is genuinely a nice person. Who knows? Maybe Cleve Jones brought the idea to Leno (you'd have to have seen the movie to get that one). 

These were just some thoughts I had while watching Milk. I allocate this movie four stars. ****

VaGiants

The Giants open their season today against the Brewers of Milwaukee. Young Timmy Lincecum takes the mound against Jeff Suppan. The Giants should fair pretty well this season as the lineup is a little younger than in recent years. I hope one of them emerges as a slugger because they are lacking in the "hitting the ball over the fence" department and I wouldn't consider Bengie Molina the answer. Perhaps Ishikawa is, but that has yet to be seen. What is for sure is that the team has improved in the off-season and has one of the best pitching staffs in the majors, with the exception of one Barry William Zito.

Yesterday, my friend Fatty and I were talking about Barry Zito and how he is a giant turd and will once again finish <.500 in one of the weakest divisions in baseball. We started harping on different ways that Barry Zito could earn his $17 million a year salary. Some of our ideas included working on the grounds crew, participating in "Barry Zito Date Night" at which a female (or gay) fan gets to sit next to him in the bullpen and gets free hot dogs and cokes, buying a beer for everyone in the stadium once a month, playing all of his teammates entrance music on the acoustic guitar, or simply start taking HGH and playing outfield a la Rick Ankiel. 

What do you think? What is the best way for Zito to earn his keep? Maybe Brian Sabean should have to pay him out of his own pocket since apparently he is the only one in the world that didn't see that Zito was washed up, that his once-famous curve ball wasn't breaking anymore, and oh yeah, he throws a fastball a cool 85 MPH. I was reading Zito's Wikipedia page and it offers this little tidbit: "The velocity of Zito's four-seam fastball has diminished; it's currently one of the slowest in the Major Leagues." 

Update #1 - Taylor Hicks sang the National Anthem. This is who we get to perform in San Francisco? Some silver-haired oke ball. Were Huey Lewis, John Fogerty, Chris Isaak, Carlos Santana, Stevie Nicks, and Johnny Mathis all busy?

Update #2 - Timmy "the Freak" Lincecum looked like a tight ball of whale dick in his three solid innings of lame assery.

Update #3 - Aaron Rowand looks angry, even though he just hit the piss out of one into the left field seats. 

Update #4 - Pablo Sandoval is a big dude and he moves like a big dude. Not good for fielding bunts. 

I Don't Get It

I have been looking everywhere for the SNL skit in which Tracy Morgan plays Woodrow the homeless man and sings the "Doo Doo Pie" song to Britney Spears. It is one of the greatest sketches ever and it is no where to be found. Everywhere I went it said NBC Universal had removed the video, but of course when I go to NBC.com or Hulu.com, neither have it up. Oh well. Here are the lyrics to the song. If you have never seen it, imagine Tracy dressed like a bum and barely keeping a a straight face singing it to Britney. 

Little TV sets
Going off inside my ear
Spacemen floating by
Firecracker beer

Chase the Demons lightly
Look inside your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a doo-doo pie
I love you

Chase the Demons lightly
News, it hits your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a doo-doo pie
I love you

And, since I couldn't find that video, here is Tracy Morgan hammered on David Letterman. One of the best interviews ever. I turn into a Gremlin.

F-Bombs

I am sure that most people in their lives have been told on several different occasions to watch their language because there are children in the vicinity (this happened to me last night as a matter of fact). Now maybe it's because I am not a parent, but I don't understand why this is such a big deal?  It is 2009 and believe it or not, your kid is probably gonna here some bad words. How is this possible you wonder? Well, considering in two or three clicks of a mouse a kid can see a chick getting peed on, I think he or she's probably come across the word "shit" a few times. There is cussing on TV, in movies, on the radio, in music, and just about everywhere else. Hell, I can say 20 cuss words in Spanish and I barely speak the language. There is no avoiding it. Bad language is everywhere. 

When you tell me to watch my mouth all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. As soon as little Jimmy hits fourth grade, you bet your ass he is at school sitting around at lunch, telling his friends about how Ms. McCleary stepped in "dog shit" on the way to class this morning and how he knows for a fact that Nick Jonas "banged" so and so.  The word "fuck" is in Webster's Dictionary for fuck's sake. I would like to see a study done on whether or not Uncle Matt yelling, "Nice play shit head!" to his brother in law at the softball field has any influence over your kids vocabulary in the coming years. I don't remember the first few times I heard a bad word and neither will your kids. 

Look, I am not condoning dropping f-bombs in front of children and it's not like I get a kick out of it or anything. I just hate it when parents get all high and mighty about cussing in front of their children, yet they're the same retard who brings their kid to the bleachers in the Oakland Coliseum or drags them along to bowling night. Sometimes, I just wonder. If you're so worried about cussing around your kids, why don't you buy them an iPod so they can listen to stuff like this. It's what I was listening to in my impressionable years and I turned out okay. 

To Choke or Not to Choke?

That was the question running through my head as I stepped up to the plate with two outs in the bottom of the seventh inning (the softball equivalent to the ninth), our team down by one with the tying run at third. All I needed to do was get on base and we're heading to extra innings. I start thinking I want to pull the ball down the left field line and as a result, open up my stance. The pitch came at me outside and I swung and end up hitting a little dribbler off the end of the bat right back to the pitcher. Game over. I felt like the biggest turd in the world. 

We ended up losing 5-4 to the Luck Dragons. Our bats, with the exception of Jay Howard, were asleep at the wheel the entire game. We just couldn't manage to put together consecutive hits. Defense was great as usual, but our offense was weak. 

The Luck Dragons are now in first place and we are tied for whatever. In a league with no playoff system, records are all that matter. A win last night would have put us in a tie for first place. Considering we don't play them again and I don't really see anyone else in the league beating them, the Championship may be theirs with four games still to go. 

Oh well, we'll get 'em next season. 

On a lighter note, here is a link to a timeless classic. After my last at-bat last night, I thought about changing my name too.