Man, it has been forever since I have been on here. Work has been very, very busy and I have been gone a lot due to Governor's Executive Order S-UC-KMY-A-SS (a.k.a Furlough Friday). The Legislature, after doing such a magnificent job with the State Budget, felt that they deserved a "summer break" so I have had a little free time on my hands lately and I could think of no better way to spend it than to update my blog.
"What's on your mind, Matt?" you ask. Well, it isn't the war in the middle east, it isn't the economy, and it sure as shit isn't what Kate Gosselin is up to. As I spread my mayonnaise on my wrap at lunch today I thought to myself, "Mayonnaise is hands down the greatest condiment of all-time." But as I reached back in the fridge to put the mayo back, I noticed a bottle of ranch sitting next to it and suddenly, I wasn't so sure. Like Reginald Oliver Denny, I was lost and unsure of which one to like more. It got me to thinking about a way to figure out the greatest condiment out there, so I broke it down into it a few categories. They are: taste, usefulness, appeal, and availability. Each condiment will be scored on a scale of 1-10 in each category with a total of 40 points.
Taste - this is pretty self-explanatory. Does it taste good? Is it super spicy or does it have a very mild flavor?
Usefulness - Can you put the condiment on anything or does it really only go with one or two things?
Appeal - Does it look good or is it like that purple ketchup crap that came out several years ago?
Availability - Can I get it at the store or at most restaurants or do I need to have it shipped in from Tavarua?
1. Mayonnaise.
Taste - Mayo is a creamy treat that can sometimes take the place of cheese on certain foods. (Score: 9)
Usefulness - Many can be put on any sandwich, hot dogs, french fries and it is often the main ingredient in a lot of dressings. I believe it also acts as a shaving cream and hair conditioner and may even cure Parkinson's disease. (Score: 7)
Appeal - It's white and creamy, giggity. (Score: 8)
Availability - If you cannot find mayonnaise in one form or another at every restaurant and store in this great country then you are an Eskimo. (Score: 10)
Total - 34
2. Hot Sauce (Tapatio, Frank's, Chalula, etc.)
Taste - It depends, but it tastes better on some things than it does others. For the most part its hot and has a strong vinegar flavor. (Score: 6)
Usefulness - I think you can put hot sauce on anything really. Pizza, Mexican food, sandwiches, veggies, eggs, BBQ, chips, etc. (Score: 9)
Appeal - It's a toss up because when it's red I want it, but the green variety reminds me of a wall after Slimer goes through it. (Score: 6)
Availability - In California, it is easier to get hot sauce than it is to get gas. (Score: 10)
Total: 31
3. Mustard.
Taste - Very sour and spicy and is never really missed. You never here anyone say, "Man, this sandwich just isn't the same without mustard. I don't want to eat it anymore" (Score: 5)
Usefulness - Sandwiches and hot dogs are about all that comes to mind when I think of mustard. It is also used in dressings and marinades too I guess. (Score: 6)
Appeal - It's bright yellow and they say the color yellow gives off a sense of comfort (I just made that up). (Score: 8)
Availability - In stores sure, but try asking for mustard at El Camino Real and see the look you get. Although, it's super spicy cousin is served at most Chinese places. (Score: 7)
Total - 26
4. Ranch Dressing.
Taste - It really depends. I hate Hidden Valley, Kraft, Newman's, etc, but I love the stuff in the jar and in my opinion Round Table Pizza may have the best ranch in the world. I guess it just depends. (Score: 8)
Usefulness - Ranch is right up there with hot sauce in that you can put ranch on everything. Pizza, breakfast sandwiches, regular sandwiches, tacos, and fries to name a few. (Score: 10)
Appeal - It is also white and creamy, but with little green bits of love floating around in it. (Score: 9)
Availability - Just when you thought the world has come to its senses you go to a place like Cafe Bernardo and ask for a side of ranch with your pizza and they respond by telling you they don't serve ranch. I used to hate them for that. (Score: 7)
Total - 34
5. Ketchup.
Taste - Everyone knows what Ketchup tastes like. It is a combination of sweet and sour and is one of those things you miss when it isn't around. (Score: 6)
Usefulness - It really goes on three things, burgers, dogs, and fries. It is also used a base for BBQ sauce and probably a lot of hot sauces as well. (Score: 7)
Appeal - It is fire engine red and looks good on the foods it's supposed to look good on. Put ketchup on eggs or something like that and I get woozy. (Score: 6)
Availability - You could find a ketchup packet underneath a burnt our Hum-V tire in the Syrian Desert. (Score: 9)
Total - 28
6. BBQ Sauce.
Taste - This stuff tastes like an unexpected Christmas present - it's sweet that someone got it for you, but at the same time you're a little heated because you have nothing to give in return. (Score: 8)
Usefulness - Well, it is kind of one dimensional in that it really can only be used with BBQ, but then again there are like a million different ways to BBQ. (Score: 8)
Appeal - It has a beautiful reddish-amber color that looks and smells so good on cooking meat. (Score: 9)
Availability - I would say it is pretty common. Not as common as ketchup, but if you have ketchup, you can usually make BBQ sauce with other stuff in your cabinets. Only a small portion of restaurants carry it. (Score: 6)
Total - 31
Well, those are the six big ones. I know there are dozens of others, but my fingers hurt (what's that?) and I have been writing this thing for like and hour and need to get busy doing other stuff I should be doing. When you add it up, it looks like Mayo and Ranch ended up in a tie and a well-deserving tie at that. I love both of those condiments very much and cannot imagine a world without them.
