Dreams Don't Come True...

Today, I sent the following to the Sports Guy:

"Simmons,

This is kind of a two part question. First, what are your thoughts on the Bengals being the subject of this year's "Hard Knocks" on HBO? Did they totally miss the bus on this one or are we still in for a few suspensions, a dozen or so arrests, and should they have just called the show, "Hard Knocks: Chad Johnson"?

Second, I was just curious if your new book is going to be filled with podcasts or if there will actually be writing in it."

I have been reading Bill Simmons as long, or longer then anyone I know. I started emailing him pretty consistently in about 2002 when he first started with ESPN. I consider myself to be somewhat of a humorous person so you can imagine my surprise when not one of my emails has made the "Mailbag." Because of Simmons and his lack of interest in my witty banter, I decided to start my own mailbag a couple months ago and here are some questions that I received.

Q: Robo, who would you say would win in a fight between Silvester Stallone in the latest "Rocky" movie or Mickey Rourke in "the Wrestler"? - Ted in Long Island, NY.

A: This reminds me of a debate my friends and I used to have about whether or not Jackie Chan would beat the Piss out of Steven Segal. Jackie was a little guy, but you could tell he had mad karate skills. But Steven had weight, pretended he was Asian, and had a pony tail. I always sided with Jackie. I would probably take Stallone because of his similarities to Chan/Segal. Now that I think of it, there are no similarities and I would take Mickey Rourke because he was just as buff as Stallone in "Get Carter" and he can actually box (look at his face).

Q: Matt, what is the the gnarliest thing you have ever pulled out of your body or seen pulled out of someone else's? - Stanley in Sarasota, FL.

This is a three way tie between the stick I pulled out of my foot when I was 8, the Carona bottle I have seen a stripper pull out of her naughty place on various occasions in Tijuana, or the spiked-metal fence pole my friend Dustin pulled his groin off of when we were kids.

Q: Bot, there are millions of types of haircuts in this world, what is your favorite and what celebrity wore it best? - Neil in Bend, OR.

A: That question was easier than I thought. The Mullet, a.k.a the Corvette Cut, the SFLB, the Mud Flap, the Kentucky Waterfall, or Business Up Front Party in the Back. The best person to wear a mullet would probably be Brian Bosworth which is why one other name for a mullet can simply be called, the Boz.

Q: If you had to pick a favorite gay celebrity who would it be? - Blaine in Miami, FL.

A: I knew that one would pop up eventually. I would say it's a tie between Neil Patrick Harris and Dan Shively in Live Copter 3. Neil was Doogie Howser M.D. and played some great roles in his later years. Even as a gay man, he did blow off of a chicks ass in that ethnic movie. Dan Shively on the other hand, well I am not even sure if he is gay but he sure seems like it.

Q: Do you know what a "herpe curtain" is? - Zack in the O.C.

A: Yes, I invented the term. It is the thin sheet of paper used in public restrooms to protect your anus and your penis from touching the toilet seat. In my opinion, one of the greatest inventions of all time. The guy who owns the patent on that must make a killing.

Q: Is your favorite movie of all time really "Days of Thunder?" - Tom C. in Beverly Hills, CA.

A: Yes. Rubbin' is racin' and I know it's you.

Q: The other night my roommate bet me that I couldn't eat a piece of cat shit out of the litter box and not throw up. I totally did it, but I threw up. What is the worst bet you have ever accepted and lost? - Luke in Sacramento, CA.

A: In college, I bet my friend that if the Kings lost to the Lakers I would shave lines in both my eyebrows. I looked like a retarded Vanilla Ice, but it got me in for free at Momo Lounge when I came home to visit. Most of the dumb shit I do is voluntary so bets are typically not needed.

Q: Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with Gilbert Godfrey or the Aflac duck? - Mary in Biloxi, Miss.

A: Mary, I am not sure if that is a trick question or if you are just stupid, but the duck is voiced by Mr. Godfrey. However, if I must answer I would take the duck because I could eat it.

Q: What do you think the easiest job in the world is? - Charles in Phoenix, AZ.

A: It used to be weather man. You can just pull numbers out of your ass and no one cares. I could go on the news tonight and say that tomorrow it will be 96 in Sacramento, 99 in Modesto, and 90 in Fairfield and who would question me? No one.

But, I said it used to be weather man. Recent events have now changed the easiest job ever to professional sports draft analyst.

Q: Last night, I got super drunk and went to Taco Bell. I ate like five bean burritos and a whole mess of tacos. I woke up in the morning and discovered I had shit the bed. The gross thing is that I tasted it to make sure it was poop and not beans. Have you ever pooped the bed? - Najeh in Indiana.

A: Yup, these are my readers. (Bill Simmons TM)