Dreams Don't Come True...

Today, I sent the following to the Sports Guy:

"Simmons,

This is kind of a two part question. First, what are your thoughts on the Bengals being the subject of this year's "Hard Knocks" on HBO? Did they totally miss the bus on this one or are we still in for a few suspensions, a dozen or so arrests, and should they have just called the show, "Hard Knocks: Chad Johnson"?

Second, I was just curious if your new book is going to be filled with podcasts or if there will actually be writing in it."

I have been reading Bill Simmons as long, or longer then anyone I know. I started emailing him pretty consistently in about 2002 when he first started with ESPN. I consider myself to be somewhat of a humorous person so you can imagine my surprise when not one of my emails has made the "Mailbag." Because of Simmons and his lack of interest in my witty banter, I decided to start my own mailbag a couple months ago and here are some questions that I received.

Q: Robo, who would you say would win in a fight between Silvester Stallone in the latest "Rocky" movie or Mickey Rourke in "the Wrestler"? - Ted in Long Island, NY.

A: This reminds me of a debate my friends and I used to have about whether or not Jackie Chan would beat the Piss out of Steven Segal. Jackie was a little guy, but you could tell he had mad karate skills. But Steven had weight, pretended he was Asian, and had a pony tail. I always sided with Jackie. I would probably take Stallone because of his similarities to Chan/Segal. Now that I think of it, there are no similarities and I would take Mickey Rourke because he was just as buff as Stallone in "Get Carter" and he can actually box (look at his face).

Q: Matt, what is the the gnarliest thing you have ever pulled out of your body or seen pulled out of someone else's? - Stanley in Sarasota, FL.

This is a three way tie between the stick I pulled out of my foot when I was 8, the Carona bottle I have seen a stripper pull out of her naughty place on various occasions in Tijuana, or the spiked-metal fence pole my friend Dustin pulled his groin off of when we were kids.

Q: Bot, there are millions of types of haircuts in this world, what is your favorite and what celebrity wore it best? - Neil in Bend, OR.

A: That question was easier than I thought. The Mullet, a.k.a the Corvette Cut, the SFLB, the Mud Flap, the Kentucky Waterfall, or Business Up Front Party in the Back. The best person to wear a mullet would probably be Brian Bosworth which is why one other name for a mullet can simply be called, the Boz.

Q: If you had to pick a favorite gay celebrity who would it be? - Blaine in Miami, FL.

A: I knew that one would pop up eventually. I would say it's a tie between Neil Patrick Harris and Dan Shively in Live Copter 3. Neil was Doogie Howser M.D. and played some great roles in his later years. Even as a gay man, he did blow off of a chicks ass in that ethnic movie. Dan Shively on the other hand, well I am not even sure if he is gay but he sure seems like it.

Q: Do you know what a "herpe curtain" is? - Zack in the O.C.

A: Yes, I invented the term. It is the thin sheet of paper used in public restrooms to protect your anus and your penis from touching the toilet seat. In my opinion, one of the greatest inventions of all time. The guy who owns the patent on that must make a killing.

Q: Is your favorite movie of all time really "Days of Thunder?" - Tom C. in Beverly Hills, CA.

A: Yes. Rubbin' is racin' and I know it's you.

Q: The other night my roommate bet me that I couldn't eat a piece of cat shit out of the litter box and not throw up. I totally did it, but I threw up. What is the worst bet you have ever accepted and lost? - Luke in Sacramento, CA.

A: In college, I bet my friend that if the Kings lost to the Lakers I would shave lines in both my eyebrows. I looked like a retarded Vanilla Ice, but it got me in for free at Momo Lounge when I came home to visit. Most of the dumb shit I do is voluntary so bets are typically not needed.

Q: Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with Gilbert Godfrey or the Aflac duck? - Mary in Biloxi, Miss.

A: Mary, I am not sure if that is a trick question or if you are just stupid, but the duck is voiced by Mr. Godfrey. However, if I must answer I would take the duck because I could eat it.

Q: What do you think the easiest job in the world is? - Charles in Phoenix, AZ.

A: It used to be weather man. You can just pull numbers out of your ass and no one cares. I could go on the news tonight and say that tomorrow it will be 96 in Sacramento, 99 in Modesto, and 90 in Fairfield and who would question me? No one.

But, I said it used to be weather man. Recent events have now changed the easiest job ever to professional sports draft analyst.

Q: Last night, I got super drunk and went to Taco Bell. I ate like five bean burritos and a whole mess of tacos. I woke up in the morning and discovered I had shit the bed. The gross thing is that I tasted it to make sure it was poop and not beans. Have you ever pooped the bed? - Najeh in Indiana.

A: Yup, these are my readers. (Bill Simmons TM)

Know Your Role...

Over the last several days, I have been watching the epic TV mini series Lonesome Dove starring Tommy Lee Jones and Bobby Duvall as two Texas Rangers making a cattle run from a small Texas border town up to Montana. The series is about all of the unexpectedness that happens along the way. Duvall and Jones are so good in this mini series that it got me thinking. Who are the greatest actors in certain roles?

This list is solely based on actors that I remember off the top of my head and therefore, this list is based on my opinion and probably sucks. Now, I realize that I don't really know much about anything, but movies are a subject with which I can hold my own. When you read this list, hopefully you will take a minute and then say to yourself, "You know what? I don't think I could imagine anyone else playing that role."

Well, here goes (the numbering serves no real purpose)...

1. Robert Duvall as Harry Hogge in Days of Thunder. "We're eatin' Ice Cream." What a sweet name for a NASCAR crew chief too.

2. Joe Pesci as Nicky Santoro in Casino. "You mudda fucka! Fuck my mudda!?" You could almost use his role in Goodfellas, but I just think he was so much more of an ass in this movie. Plus, his acting when they are beating his brother is legendary.

3. Ralph Macchio as Daniel LaRusso in The Karate Kid. "When do I learn how to punch?" I just can't see any other '80s actor in this role. Judd Nelson...nope. Andrew McCarthy...nah. John Cusack...yeah right.

4. Rosie Perez as Gloria Clemente in White Men Can't Jump. "What is a quince?" I am kidding. A Chihuahua getting shot over and over again with a BB gun would have been better in that role.

5. Laurenz Tate as O-Dog in Menace II Society. "Hey, you know what nigga? You actin' like a little bitch right now." I was legitimately scared of O-Dog when this movie came out. I thought I was going to get shot over a cheeseburger. Seriously...scared!

6. Silvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa in Rocky I-IV. "I guess what I am trying to say is, that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!" Rocky V and Rocky Balboa were never made. Stallone wrote this movie and actually had to audition for it. Can you imagine if Burt Reynolds would have gotten the lead in this film like the studio wanted?

7. Martin Sheen as Captain Willard in Apocalypse Now. "The bullshit piled up so fast in Vietnam that you needed wings to stay above it." I think the reason I liked him so much in this movie was not so much for his acting, but more for his raspy voice narrating the film.

8. Al Pacino as Michael Corleone in The Godfather I-II. "You think I'd make my sister a widow?" I know, I know. Pretty obvious and one could make a case for Brando, but the way Pacino portrays Mike's transformation from good to evil is one for the ages.

9. Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels as Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber. "The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson I got this old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her." Who the fuck could have pulled these roles off besides these two? I didn't even know Daniels was funny until this movie came out. I think I have seen it over 150 times.

10. Bruce Willis as John McClane in Diehard. "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker." Can you see anyone else, dead or alive, delivering that line? I cannot.

11. Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump in Forrest Gump. "Mama says they was magic shoes." I saw this movie six times in the theatre the summer it came out and it wasn't because of Sally Field, Robin Wright Penn, or Gary Sinese.

12. Paul Newman as Luke in Cool Hand Luke. "Small town, not much to do this eveninin." I think this role was almost too easy for Newman. He was the coolest dude on the planet when it was made and it just kind of carried over into his role as the coolest dude in the prison camp. George Kennedy actually got the Oscar for his role in the film, which was also amazing.

13. Sam Jackson as Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction. "'What' ain't know country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?" I am not a fan of Sam Jackson as I think he just kind of took his role in this movie and cloned it for every one of his roles after it, but can you imagine this movie if, say, Denzel Washington had played Jules. Wouldn't work.

14. Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in Indian Jones and the everyone one except the last one. "I'm like a bad penny, I always turn up." I bet you didn't know that Tom Selleck was supposed to be Inidana Jones because George Lucas didn't want Ford to become his Robert Deniro. I knew the Selleck thing, but read that last bit on Wikipedia.

15. Mark Wahlberg as Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights. "Feel. Feel. Feel. Feel my heat." I think that Marky's lack of acting skills helped in this role. He played an idiot so well and I didn't even know he could talk like he did for this film. Funny thing is, he talks the exact same in the M. Knight Shamalsaaaastyyawenasmd movie The Happening. It's almost as if Mark thought he was filming Boogie Nights II: The Internet Rocks and rehearsed for another part as Dirk until the day he walked on set and realized he was in a sci-fi flick about killer plants.

My brain hurts, but before I go I have a question for you. Do you notice something about the above list? Answer: There are no women on it. That is because I couldn't think of one stand-out role played by a woman that made me say to myself, "Man, I can't see anyone but her playing that role. She really brought out my emotions." I suppose when it comes to memorable roles, women are kind of like legos. Sure, they come in all different colors, but no matter what color the block is, it'll still work to put it together. Therefore, I would like to here from some women on who I am missing. Bette Midler in Beaches? Maryl Streep in Out of Africa? Pam Anderson in Barbed Wire? I am curious!

Take Me Down to Flavortown!

Some friends and I were recently watching "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" on the food network and making comments on what a shit bag Guy Fieri is, or as he says it "Fietti." First and foremost, Guy's real last name is Ferry, which is Irish or Scottish, so I highly doubt that his grandfather was named Giuseppe as he claimed in one show. I would really like him to explain this to his viewers. Was the surname Fieri so hard for the folks over at Ellis Island to pronounce that they changed it to Ferry or is this dude a big dick bag who thought people might respect him more as a chef and restaurateur if he had a more "cultural" sounding name. I'll bet the latter.

Next, what is up with the way he dresses? Do males still bleach their hair? Is his goatee trimmed with a weed whacker?Does he love bowling so much that he wears the fashions of the sport everywhere he goes? Does his car not have a center console to leave his sunglasses in or does he have eyes in the back of his head? The wristband thing I get. It was something between him and his son when he was on "the Next Food Network Star" so I'll leave that one alone.

I don't think that I am alone here when I make the following assumption, but I think guy is probably a terrible cook and knows very little about food. In fact, I am not sure if he has ever been to "Flavortown." Whenever I see him on his show, he is describing dishes with insightful phrases like, "That's so money" and "Wow, that is amazingly tender." Sometimes he will make comments about the hints of *insert obvious spice that the guy just told you was in the dish* or perhaps how the *insert obvious ingredient" really comes through. I have eaten at Tex Wasabi in Sacramento and it is possibly one of the worst meals I have ever had in my life. I can only imagine what the rest of his restaurants are like. But what do you expect from a guy who's dishes sound like the TGI Friday's menu on steroids. "Today I am making lime tequila chicken dipper bite shooters with a cocaine crust and a whammy bammy cocktail on the side!"

This brings me to my final point. Guy goes around the country, helping to put small town or off the beaten path restaurants and diners on the map, but then pushes dishes for TGI Friday's on TV. I am sorry, but aren't restaurants like Friday's the reason why a lot of these small town or hole in the wall places get ran out of business? What a moron.

Despite all of the idiocy that is Guy Ferry, I still watch his damn show as it is interesting and every now and then you get a hometown spot on there (Sacramento has already had three). I just wish they would get a new host who, as Anthony Bourdain described it, doesn't remind you of the Poochie character from the Simpson's.