Prop. 8?

Saw this on Tosh.O last night. It is a hilarious nine seconds.

Somebody's Excited...

The NFL returns in a few short weeks and this little boy is extremely excited. Not only does the return of the NFL mark the return of Fantasy Football (Fairy Tail Football as my wife calls it), but it also marks a new development in my life. You are now reading the blog of a proud San Francisco 49ers' season ticket holder (just one).

I have been talking about getting a season ticket for about the last eight years and I finally pulled the trigger. We have a total of five in our group - two uncles, a cousin, and my pops. The view from our seats is pretty good (see above) and we are on the aisle which means less beer getting spilled on others and more getting spilled on me. Realistically, I'll probably make three out of seven games this season (don't forget about the London game before you tell me they play eight at home). I am happy with that. If it less of a pain in the ass than I think it's going to be, I'll attend more the following year. But for now, three is the magic number.

For sure, I know that I want to experience a Monday Night Football game. I can't imagine anything else compares (NFL-wise) to the energy of a MNF game. This year, the Niners host the Superbowl Champion Saints so it will be a great game to be at. The second game I know for sure I am going to is the Tampa Bay Bucs game. I have a friend who is a Bucs fan (by way of Plymouth, England) and he wants to hit it up. That game is going to be a shit-show.

What I am not sure about is the third game. I know for a fact I am not going anywhere near the Raiders game and we can make a killing by selling those tickets. I am pretty sure I want to go to a division game, but I am not sure anyone else from the NFC West is going to be any good this year. This leaves the Eagle's game which is a Sunday night game after the MNF game. That is a lot of late trips back from SF and will likely leave a bad taste in my mouth. However, the beauty of being s season ticket holder is that I don't have to decide right now. I can pick any of those!

Jagg-Off

Screw "icing" people. Instead, tell them to do their best Jagger.

I am Lost...

Last night was the finale of ABC's hit show 'Lost' and I have a few questions that were not answered in the finale. I really feel like Damon and Carlton missed the boat by not giving us some resolution to these issues.

1) Why was the Man in Black not able to leave the island, but Jacob could come and go as he pleased? Also, how did Jacob get on and off the island?

2) If Jacob was a mortal man capable of being killed by Benjamin, then why couldn't he be seen in plain site when Ben took Locke to his cabin?

3) Also, how was his cabin able to move around from place to place as if it were a ghost?

4) Why was the Island purgatory for some people, like Michael, but not for others?

5) How was Smokey able to take the form of people who were still alive such as Walt?

6) Why was Desmond "needed" to pull the plug out of the well in the cave? I didn't see anything at all that had to do with electro-magnetism down there. Jack managed to survive it just fine.

7) As a matter of fact, what did the magnetic properties of the Island have to do with anything now that I think about it?

8) Who were the Others and what was their purpose on the Island? They seem to have been there for a long time? What was their beef with the Dharma initiative?

9) Who were the people that Jacob and Smokey's mother killed? Just another group of shipwrecked folks? Jacob brought the Black Rock to the Island so who brought that group?

10) The sideways world seems to be Jack coming to grips with himself and his purpose in life in order to pass on to heaven. Why then were all the other people from the Island involved (e.g. Sayid's story had no relation to Jack whatsoever).

11) Was it Desmond or Jacob that brought Flight 815 to the Island?

12) Why weren't Rose and Bernard at the church in the end. Surely they would have died by then if Hurley had?

12) Why was Smokey able to kill Jack (eventually) even though he drank the eternal life wine?

13) What made Smokey mortal again? He didn't go into the well.

14) In order to get to the Island or leave it, you had to follow specific guidelines. How did Lupidus manage to fly them home safely? Also, what happened to Widmore's explosives on the plane?

15) Why do Ben and Widmore hate each other so much and how was Ben able to kill him?

16) Jacob's touch meant that nobody could harm them. So how were Jin, Sun, and Sayid able to be killed?

17) Really, Sayid's soul mate is Shannon?

18) What the hell was the yellow light at the center of the Island?

19) How did the donkey wheel go from being vertical to flat and what the hell was it? If turning it unleashed the light which sent you off the island, why did it kill the Man in Black and only send Jack to a rock a few yards away?

20) Who were the dead bodies in the cave by the light?

21) How does Jimmy Kimmel host a 'Lost' wrap up show without Sawyer, Hurley, Kate, Sun, and Charlie?

Man Shit

As promised a few weeks ago, here is a post about some of the man shit that I have done in my life.

In college, I took a blindsided punch in the face from a 300-lb Samoan guy who had a running start and got knocked the fuck out. I saw a green flash and woke up in the bathroom at my buddies house having no idea what happened. I didn't even know the guy and apparently, he was just angry and on a rampage because he sent another kid to the hospital and the cops were after him.

For the past two New Years, I have walked across hot coals with nothing but my bare feet. The first year, I got burned pretty bad on one foot. By year two, I was a professional at it.

I have done a wheelie on a dirt bike. Granted, it was a total accident and only lasted for about ten feet, but it was still a wheelie and it was still on a motorcycle. It was the first time I had ever ridden a motorcycle with a clutch and I gave it too much gas and popped the clutch. Next thing I know I am hanging on for dear life heading down Jay Young's driveway.

I have bitten the head off of a live Grunion. During the Grunion run one year in San Diego, my friend Matthew Bauer told me that it was tradition to bite the head off the first Grunion you see come to the beach. I did it and it was gross.

I rafted the Rogue River in an inflatable kayak for 70 miles over five days without ever changing out of my board shorts. Yes, they stank to high hell and I had a terrible rash, but I was always the first one ready to go in the morning. I should also point out that on this trip a bear sniffed me in my sleeping bag as I slept under the stars every night.

I once ate an Iguana on a spit in Taxco, Mexico. It was there, I was told it tasted like chicken, and it was cheap. Why not?

I walked up to Jerome Bettis and told him "the Bus don't stop for hoes." This was a saying my friends and I had in college when playing Madden and using the Steelers. Bettis would always shake off would be tacklers and when it happened, we would yell the above quote. He found it funny and gave me a "dap."

I have shot and killed an animal. Some would argue that this is as manly as it gets. But I think the actual act of hunting - getting up early, dressing in camo, sitting in the cold, baiting your prey - is the manly part of it.

I have thrown a perfect game (almost). When I was in little league, I was on fire and had a perfect game going into the seventh inning. No one could touch me. I never gave up a hit, but instead I left the game at the end of the sixth inning to go to a birthday party. To this day my coach at the time, Mr. Dave Dowell, will not let me live it down.

I have been to jail. I am not proud of this and would take any of them back if I could, but it has happened and it has happened four separate times. All of them were petty citations like peeing in public or for no reason at all. The one thing I learned about going to jail was that Yolo County has the nicest jail for prisoners of my caliber (i.e. huge pussies).

I have been thrown out of a Major League Baseball game. The reason you wonder? We were heckling the guy that opens the gate to the bullpen. I would like to go on record at this time as saying that Angels Stadium is one of the worst places on earth for a sporting event. Way too family friendly.

Just a sampling of some of the more manly shit I've done. Some things I don't care to admit on here for fear of incriminating myself and others aren't all that uncommon.

Happy New Year...

This is my first (and maybe my only) blog of 2010 and it is the day after Cinco de Mayo. I was kind of thinking about things to write about so I decided to offer a few pieces of advice to anyone who is getting married in the near future regarding the dos and don'ts of planning a wedding.

1) Save-the-Date cards are retarded. They are a waste of money. You see, they have these things called invitations that people send out for other events like birthday parties, anniversaries, batmitzvahs, etc. that work perfectly fine when informing someone of a specific day on which you wish to celebrate something. I don't need to know a year in advance that you are getting married. Also, since most save-the-dates are usually pictures of the engaged couple, they can be quite narcissistic.

2) If given the option, hire an outside caterer. The hotel we had our wedding at required us to use their staff and let me tell you, the food was not the hit of the party.

3) Pay your DJ half up front and half after the wedding is done. A DJ can have all the credentials in the world and be as professional as can be before the wedding, but if he fucks up one song it can ruin a portion of your wedding. My wife and I spent weeks making a play list for our wedding. The asshole plays six songs off of it and then takes Black Eyed Peas' requests the rest of the night. Had I only given him half his money up front I would only be out half my money.

4) Do the wedding at a hotel if you can. It just makes it easier on the guests who like to party and it's fun to have everyone together. This weekend, I have to take a limo 30 miles to a wedding in the middle of nowhere with the nearest hotel being 10 miles away. Kinda sucks when you like to party.

5) ... I just realized as I started to write number five how gay this blog is. What am I a chick? I need to stop now. Next week I am going to write about something super manly.

Dumb Phrases

Here are some really dumb phrases that people are constantly using with my take in tow.

"Stand by your friend, right or wrong." So let me get this straight - if a buddy of mine decides to shoot an old lady or molest a child, I am supposed to be there for him? Fuck that! I am telling that murdering pederast to enjoy his time in the big house and don't ever call me again.

"Like a bat out of hell." A) It has never been proven that there is such a place as hell and; B) why in the hell would there be bats there? Also, what is the significance of a bat escaping from hell versus everything else burning in eternity. Why not say, "Like an F-14 out of hell." After all, they are much faster than bats.

"Winner, winner, chicken dinner." I can't stand this phrase for the simple fact that anyone who wins any sort of significant bet is not going to then take their recently won money and spend it on a lavish dinner consisting of KFC or Church's or go to some fancy steak house and order the chicken.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." I do it all the time at the grocery store and each time when I get home they are perfectly fine. Eggs come in a dozen anyway so if you break one, you still have 11 left. No biggie.

"There's no such thing as a sure thing." Umm, there are lots of them. For example, I knew that I was going to have soup today for lunch and that I would be driving to work in a truck. There are, in fact, many such things as sure things.

"To the moon." My mom always used to say this to me when I was annoying her and I know that it comes from the Honeymooners, but what does it mean? Personally, I think it would be pretty damn cool to go to the moon. "To the moon Matthew!" "Awesome!"

"That's just your opinion." Unless I am directly quoting someone or stating factual matter, then every damn word that comes out of my mouth is my opinion and there is no need to constantly remind me of that with moronic phrases such as this.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I am by no means a dumb person, but I am willing to admit that it is quite possible to be fooled more than once and it not being my fault. If I get a letter in the mail that says free money and I open only to find out that there is no free money should I stop opening those letters? NO!